Create the Relationships That You Want w/ Blanca Cobb

🌟 Create the Relationships That You Want

🤔 Creating Peace in our Lives and the Relationships we want can be Elusive. But, the Solution often Requires us to Make Exceptional Choices. Therefore, join us this week and discover how World Renown Body Language Expert Blanca Cobb can Teach You how to Decode the Language of Human Behavior and Connect with Anyone. 

🌟 What We Discuss with Blanca:

👉 ⁃       Making Uncommon Choices

👉 ⁃       Creating Peace in Our Lives

👉 ⁃       Decoding the Language of Human Behavior

🌟 About Blanca:

Blanca Cobb has been a people watcher since she was a little girl. From a distance, she’d watch people to get a sense of who was friendly, trustworthy, and approachable. She learned early on that people try to hide what they feel. But, if you pay close attention to the way they move their bodies and react in situations, they can’t hide their feelings. They unknowingly reveal who they are.

This is the power of body language. Silent messages are more credible than spoken words. If you know what to look for and how to respond to body language, then you can connect with anyone. And in business and in life, this is your ticket to happiness, success, and peace.

In business, you can talk about the benefits of your products and services all you want. But, clients have to connect with you as a person before they buy.

In life, you can tell your romantic partner all the ways you love them. But, if they don’t feel connected to you, then there’s no relationship.

Blanca’s goal is to teach you how to create the relationships that you want so you get what you want. It all starts with a body language connection. Let her show you how.

🙏 Thanks, Blanca! Reach out, connect, and follow Blanca across her social platforms:

 👉 website: blancacobb.com 

👉 email: blanca@blancacobb.com 

👉 IG: @blancacobb 

👉 FB: facebook.com/blancacobb 

👉 Twitter: @blancacobb 

👉 LinkedIn: @blancacobb 

👉 Youtube: blancacobb-bodylanguageexpert

🌟 Resources mentioned in the podcast:

 ⁃       Janine Driver: https://janinedriver.com/

⁃       BlancaCobb.com

⁃       

Pre-Order my Latest Book: "Unbreakable Alliances: A Spy Recruiters Authoritative Guide to Cultivating Powerful & Lasting Connections" HERE

Unlocking the Power of Trust: Keynote Speaker Robin Dreeke Shares Secrets to Creating Allies - Robin is the former Chief of the FBI's Counterintelligence Behavioral Analysis Program. With over 30 years of experience in recruiting spies and building trust, Robin is the world-renowned speaker you need. Don't miss out on the opportunity to learn from a true expert. Contact us now to book your event! Click HERE to book a time to chat.

🤔 Take Robin's FREE YouTube Keys to Communication Online Course HERE.

😃 Check out Robin's Speaking, and Training Services HERE.

Transcript

Robin: 0:05

Creating peace in our lives and the relationships we want can be ellusive. Welcome to the Forged by Trust podcast. I'm your host, Robin Dreeke, executive coach, former US Marine spy recruiter, bestselling author, and your trust and communication expert. Today's episode, create the Relationships that You Want, is brought to you by our guest, my good friend, world renowned body language expert, Blanca Cobb, and her incredible body language speaking, training, and consulting service. Do you ever feel like people just don't understand you? It might be because your body language is getting in the way of your words. Let Blanca help you with a body language audit. She'll tell you the unintended, nonverbal messages you're transmitting and give you quick fixes so that your body language is communicating the right messages. Book a call with her at info.co/blancacobb. Coming up next on the Forged By Trust podcast.

Blanca: 0:56

We see somebody and we don't know the gravity of their life or their circumstances. It's so common, but what's uncommon is what you do as a result of those experiences. and that's tremendous, is to be able to make peace with the traumas in our

Robin: 1:13

lives.

Blanca: 1:14

If you were like me, You deserve peace and you deserve happiness, and you have to figure out how you're gonna get that. To me, it's more than just trying to figure out if someone's safe or not, or whether you're gonna be hurt. There's a way to, to use body language to connect better with people, to understand, people understand what people are choosing, not to tell you, but they're showing in their behavior. If we just showed more kindness and compassion and caring with other people, our world would change.

Robin: 2:08

Today's episode, create The Relationship You Want is with my good friend and inspiration, the incredibly talented body language expert, Blanca Cobb. Blanca Cobb has been a people watcher since she was a little girl. From a distance she's watched people to get a sense of who was friendly, trustworthy, and approachable. She learned early on that people try to hide what they feel, but if you pay close attention to the way they move their bodies and react in situations, they can't hide their feelings. They unknowingly reveal who they are. This is the power of body language. Silent messages are more credible than spoken words. If you know what to look for and how to respond to body language, then you can connect with anyone and in business and in life, this is your ticket to happiness, success and Peace. In business. You can talk about the benefits of your products and services all you want, but clients have to connect with you as a person before they buy. In life, you can tell your romantic partner all the ways you love them, but if they don't feel connected to you, then there's no relationship. Blanca's goal is to teach you how to create the relationships that you want, so you get what you want. It all starts with a body language connection. Let her show you how. During today's episode, we talk about making uncommon choices, creating peace in our lives, decoding the language of human behavior. Blanca, welcome to the show,

Blanca: 3:29

Hi. I'm so happy to be here, Robin.

Robin: 3:32

I'm so happy to have you. I've been looking forward to this a great deal. I stress these things because when I have really amazing experts on, it's humbling. It's invigorating, but it's also a little stressful cause I wanna make sure I do all I can to highlight the amazing background that forges you into being who you are today. And you are a global, non-verbal expert, body language expert. And I love the title of the episode, which is create the relationship that you want because that is what is the glue that brings life together for us all. So I'm actually gonna read, I'm gonna do something a little different at the beginning here. I'm gonna read something right from your website, which was really striking to me because I think it's a great place to start to get that origin story. And it is this. I've been a people watcher since I was a little girl. From a distance I'd watch people to get a sense of who was friendly, trustworthy, and approachable. That's pretty insightful for a little girl. What was the cause for you to be such a people watcher, and what was a spark that ignited the desire for body language and building safe, healthy, strong relationships in life

Blanca: 4:48

for. Yeah, when I was a little girl, it was about survival. I was abused and I paid attention to body language. Now, let me preface this by saying I had no idea what I was doing. I was a little girl. It wasn't until I was an adult reflecting back on my life that I started putting pieces of this puzzle together, and then I could make sense of the picture of my experiences. But when I was little, I was constantly watching. I was looking for changes in tone of voice mannerisms and even footsteps down a hallway can let you know if somebody's in a good mood or in a bad mood, whether they're walking with intent and purpose and seriousness, or whether lackadaisical. So that is what I paid attention to in order to be able to figure out what might be happening next. So for me, it truly was about survival.

Robin: 5:41

There's always someone in life that kind of is right there at the right moment, at the right time to actually make us feel safe that first time, because you, you were delivered later in life to a very healthy place. But it doesn't happen by accident. Do you remember who that was and what it was? The most

Blanca: 6:02

instrumental person was my mother. Because no matter what happened, she loved me and she let me know that she loved me and she was by my side no matter what I went through. And a lot of it though, and I don't know where I got this from, I felt like I had to do it alone. Hmm. It wasn't something to talk about. It wasn't something to tell people. It was. I don't know if I didn't know any better or I just didn't trust anyone, or maybe it was a combination of those two things and some other, some other variables, but I just really felt like I was this lone ranger. If I could forget about it, pretend it didn't exist, then it didn't impact my life. Well, we all know that's not true, but when you're little and you try to make sense of your world, you come up with sometimes unrealistic and crazy conclusions. And a lot of times I lived in La la land because it was just easier to move on with life and just ignore all the bad stuff. Now, not every moment of my life was bad. I can't say that, but there were some really hard moments and it happened with a greater frequency than I would've liked. But what I have learned over time, and as an adult, there's so many people that have this story, exactly what you were saying earlier. It's, it's so common, but what's uncommon is what you do as a result of those experiences.

Robin: 7:27

Yeah, no doubt. And where did you grow up in North Carolina. And so you're having some challenging is a understatement, most likely statement at home. Is that where it was going? I was home, yes.

Blanca: 7:42

There were other things that happened in my childhood and adolescence that did not occur in my home.

Robin: 7:49

All right, because I, I'm trying to be very gentle but, but painted in picture for understanding and context. So what was school like at these during these years?

Blanca: 8:01

It was a mixed bag. I, I just, I identified with small number of people, although school, You know, a lot of people, you really don't know a lot of people, right? There's a difference between friendships and acquaintances and I, I had a lot of acquaintances and I was friendly with a lot of people, and I didn't, I had like emotional dysregulation. I, there were times I couldn't even. I couldn't regulate myself or my own emotions. I'm not trying to give the impression I was crazy and off the wall because it wasn't like that at all. And it's kinda like you, you just go, you just kind of exist and, and you kind of follow the crowd. Like I learned not to be assertive. I didn't wanna draw attention to myself if I could just like blend in like a chameleon. Then you just kind of, you could kind of exist, right? Mm-hmm. and then somehow my adolescence was topsy-turvy. I mean, I was, at one point I was like, wicked popular, and then I was completely hated. It. It truly was. It wa There were two ends of an extreme for me, and it's, it was very difficult. I mean, even right now it's hard for me to talk about because it was so. Painful. And from the outside looking in, I'm sure people didn't realize what was going on, but doesn't that hold true with so many people? We see somebody and we don't know the gravity of their life or their circumstances. And again, I wanted to forget. I wanted to pretend certain things didn't happen because it made it easier to accept and to move on. However, it, it, it, it's. That lava that's at the tip of the volcano. It's bubbling, it's brewing, but it hasn't quite yet exploded. And for me, that explosion didn't occur until I was in college. And then that's when I was like, I can't do this anymore. And that's when I sought treatment. I had to figure out, okay, now its impacting my academics. It was impacting my studies as a student, as a college student, I'm like, okay, something has gotta give. And that for the first time is when I dealt with it. Got some relief and then also was able to make peace with it, and that's tremendous, is to be able to make peace with the traumas in our

Robin: 10:25

lives. There's so many things in there. I, I guess I'll go with the first. You said earlier that you felt like a lone ranger and you actually finally scary came and you came to a point where you're like, I need help. Yes. What caused

Blanca: 10:47

It's because I wasn't functioning anymore. My everyday life as a college student, it just wasn't working. My escape was academics with school. I couldn't escape anymore to that place because I wa I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't focus, I wasn't doing well. And then everything just imploded from there. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna flunk outta school. I, I can't have this happen. And just so happens that oh, I can't believe I'm talking about this, so I'm not sure how ready I am to talk about it. So I'm gonna tell you what I'm comfortable Yeah.

Robin: 11:21

Sharing. It's all, it's all, it's all about you. I'm, I'm not pressing

Blanca: 11:26

a promise. Oh, I understand. But just for everyone who's listening to understand there's, there are certain, before I go into that story, sometimes you will hear survivors who can talk about their situations and their past very easily and very comfortably, and that's great. And there's another camp. and I'm a part of that camp where it is still very difficult and it doesn't matter how many years or decades it has been right for me, sometimes I can do better talking about it than others. So now that I've said that, I had a roommate in college and I was struggling and we were taking similar courses and one day she just asked me, she's like, what's going on? I'm noticing some things are different. And I was, I mean like I was at my breaking point, like almost nervous breakdown. And then I just, I just let it out. I just said, this is what happened. And she was like, whoa, wait, what? So we sat down and we talked about it and it just so happens that she knew a psychologist cuz her parents were going through some difficulties and she said, we really like this family psychologist. I think you should talk to her. And I said, okay. And that's what started so, As much as I was scared to, to, to face some things in my life of what had happened in the past, I knew I had to change because I was gonna go downhill fast, cuz that's where I was going. No breaks. Right, right. And obviously I was gonna crash. And then going through that process of healing is difficult because you have to remember things. You don't wanna remember or deal with things that you thought you never had to deal with or make realizations that this is much more difficult than you possibly thought. Realize how, how broad this is in impacting your life. I, I was dating somebody at the time and I just kept wanting to push'em away, and I'm like, Why, why do you want to be with someone who's like a mess like me? His life was together, his family was intact, he was doing great in school, and it was a head scratcher. I'm like, why? To me, it just seemed, and I had this fallacy, I mean, I believe this bullshit that because I,

Robin: 13:43

There's a great truism in life. There's, there's three things that bind all of us together, and that is death, birth, and trauma. We all have varying degrees of that trauma, but is a huge binder. We are never alone. I was the same way. Different experiences, different different causes, but you have muscle memory of being self-reliant and no one's there for you. And when the first time someone actually is, it's mind blowing and really shocking. And, but part of that is realizing that, wow, I am not alone.

Blanca: 14:29

That is tremendous. And, and thank you for for reminding me of that. But going back to what I had started saying, I just wanted to, to push this guy away and, and, and, and just say why? Like I had this crazy belief that I wasn't good enough. I didn't fit in. Like how could I be a part of a, of a better world if this is where I came from and this was my life and my experience. And it took a really long time to realize that because I survived some traumatic experiences, doesn't make me less than, And that's what, when we started off our conversation, the top of your podcast, it's like making peace with it, making peace with whatever. Can just change the trajectory of your healing and of your life because you're not strapped you, you're, you don't have this anchor that's, that's weighing you down as you're walking forward and moving through life and trying to create a better one

Robin: 15:34

for yourself. and those that you love in your life too. I mean, I know you are a tremendous mother

Blanca: 15:42

that I am, and I'm very, I'm very proud of the mother that I am for my children. And no to everyone who's listening. I am not perfect I will never aspire to be perfect, but my kids, as most parents who love their children, they're your most important people in your life and there isn't anything that you wouldn't do. And I can say I was probably a little over the top made to protecting my children because I, there was no way on this planet as long as I was breathing that something bad could happen to them that was in my control. Right? I mean, as parents, as soon as your kids walk out the door and go to school or go to a friend's house or wherever, as much as you want to control it, you cannot. So as much that has been in my control, I've been able to make sure and ensure that my children have had a completely different childhood than mine and have grown up very safe.

Robin: 16:43

Awesome. So I want to go back again to the, yeah, to the traumatic years, but on a positive side, cuz this is gonna start forging the path forward that you were already walking cuz you got into college. Did you have a sense yet when you were younger, what you wanted to do when you got older? Like what did you go to college?

Blanca: 17:02

Oh, yeah. I wanted to become a pediatrician. Okay. So I was flunking outta organic chemistry and physics. I, I couldn't, couldn't handle it. Why did you wanna be a what? Why

Robin: 17:15

did I wanna be a pediatrician? Yeah. What, what was the spark for that? That's great.

Blanca: 17:17

It was just to help, help kids. I was a hurt kid. I wanted to help kids. That, that was it. I just, I wanted to make life better. It was truly that simple. Do you

Robin: 17:31

remember your first exposure to a pediatrician that, I mean, there's a lot of people that, oh, that see or get exposed to someone or something that becomes an anchor of what they want to do. What was like, why pediatrician? There's a lot of things people can do.

Blanca: 17:46

Yes. Well, no, I, I don't, our, my family has always, was always involved in the military. So with military doctors they rotate so much. You really don't have one in particular like you did in the civilian life. Alright, so this is where, it's an interesting question. You're asking me some interesting questions. I, I, I've not been asked before. So my family's from South America and my mother is Colombian and my father's Venezuela. So I'm a mix of the two cultures. I primarily identify with Columbia and my mom who came to the United States at age 18, didn't know a word of English, nor did she understand the culture. There were certain professions that she was so involved with in the United States initially, right, and once, and she had a baby girl. I was born here in the United States. I'm first American born. So after she moved here, She met my father. They got fell in love, got married, and a couple years later I popped out, which was a surprise, cause they were not planning on having me anyway. My, there was just certain professions. My mother would just talk about doctors and lawyers. And now that I think about it, it's probably not unique just to my mom. I think a lot of parents talk to their children about law and and, and medicine cuz they think that they're good fields. So I didn't really have exposure to a lot of different professions, even though I was raised here in the United States. You kind of, you live what you learn, right? So even though other people might have parents in different fields, it's just what we talked about at home. And so my mom just kind of planted that seed and that's where I was like, okay, I could become a doctor and I like children and pediatrics. It just made sense. Ultimately. That's not what I did. I changed gears, I, I shift gears really fast and I went into psychology. And it's a different helping profession.

Robin: 19:47

The theme is exactly the same. I was just curious where the pediatrician came from because that's, it's unique. It's really specialized. So we get into college, we are not having a very good time studying medicine, obviously. No, no, no. So what sparked

Blanca: 20:04

the change? Oh, because at that time in college, I was getting help. And I liked the impact that it had on me, processing different parts of my history, understanding it as much as I could, and realizing that you can't understand everything sometimes. It's going to be a big mystery. It's gonna be that big question mark forever, and making peace with that. And you're gonna hear that theme with me. Peace is just so important in life. We need emotional and mental peace. Within ourselves and in our environment, people who we invite into our environment, into our lives. And I just said, wow, I could help. I've, I've, I volunteered at the Rape crisis center. I volunteered at Guardian ad Litem, and it was all dealing with people who had been through and experienced and survived trauma. And the more I did it, the more I enjoyed it, the more I was making an impact. And then I just felt better cuz I was doing something to help others, even if it was for a little while and let's talk, and then that's what I wanted to do.

Robin: 21:16

I love that theme of peace. That's a great one. Oh yeah. Let's talk about peace a little bit. Yeah. What's the benefit of peace and how do people do it?

Blanca: 21:29

When you are peaceful, you don't feel like you're on egg shells. If you think about certain people in your life or certain experiences, I'm sure you can think of at least one person that you were very uncomfortable around. Either was their mannerisms, the way they talked to you, the way they interacted with you. You felt like there was nothing you could say that was right. Everything you did was being criticized and, and or they would offer to do something, but you're like, what's the catch? Because you're not doing it just because you wanna do it. You're doing it because you're gonna get something out of it. So what. There's no peace in that. There's no peace. If you feel like everything you say to somebody, and I am saying the word everything, that everything you say to a particular person is wrong. It's gonna be challenged, it's gonna be judged, it's gonna be criticized. There's no peace in that. And if that's part of your world, then you're on, then you're on edge, and then you're waiting for it. Somebody else. So instead of really accepting somebody who could be like genuinely nice, because there are people out there who are genuinely nice and loving and caring and want the best for you, you're second guessing it because you're so used to living in a chaotic environment or being around somebody who just, who makes you anxious and, and on end. Peace is huge. Like when you go to sleep even, you wanna be able to rest in peace. Do you know how many times people go to bed and their brain, instead of relaxing, their brain is just churning and churning and churning about problems? About, I should have said, I could have done What's gonna happen next? There's no peace in that, right? You need peace. And then physiologically, you need peace for your body to really function optimal. It can't be stressed out all the time. You're gonna get sick. Something's going to happen. No

Robin: 23:15

doubt. I think 99.999% of the people listening can identify with those moments that you just described, what's like one or two things people can start doing and start bringing peace to themselves?

Blanca: 23:32

One, if you were, if you were like me, and notice I said were, I'm in a totally different place than what I was. If you were like me, You deserve peace and you deserve happiness, and you have to figure out how you're gonna get that. If that means dealing with your past, letting go of certain people in your life who are bringing you more anxiety than love, then you have to let them go. I'm not saying it's an easy decision. We get comfortable with chaos and that's the crazy thing about us. We get comfortable with chaos because we, it's predictable. We like predictability in our. And then if we don't have it, we're like, Hmm, that is very nice and peaceful. But I'm gonna come back to what I know, cuz at least I know this devil. At least I know what's gonna happen here. I don't know what, I don't know. When the flip the light is gonna do, the switch is gonna flip. It's another person. But you, you ha you have to create it for yourself and that, and sometimes that makes that, that means that you have to make some very difficult decisions about who you're gonna keep in your world and who you are not. That, that's huge. And then find out what is it that brings you, peace, seriously? Is it, is it when you just have a cup of tea and you're reading or is it when you're taking a walk? Is it when you talk to a particular person? Whatever it is.

Robin: 24:47

These are really powerful moments in creating the relationships that we want, which is the theme of this. So when someone's facing someone that's bringing this kind of chaos into their life and they know they don't want this person in their life, what can they do to help themselves over that first start of getting rid of this person? What, what can they do?

Blanca: 25:09

If you feel like you can have a conversation with this person? Have it. If you feel that it isn't going to be safe for you emotionally, and definitely physically don't have it. So let me give you the two examples. So you could say, I've, I, I don't know what's happening. I used to really enjoy the time that we spend together, but as of late or the past couple of months, I noticed that things aren't, things seem to be rocky. Be specific as much as you can be. And say, this is how it makes me feel. It, it makes me feel like I can't relax around you. It makes, it makes me feel like I have to watch what I say or I'm walking on eggshells and it's not a very good feeling. So I'm wondering how you feel, what's your perspective and, and what we can do about it. Give people a chance. Maybe people just don't realize what's happening, but after that conversation, and if you're, if you're really telling how you're feeling inside and you're sharing your truth and it's not being respected, Then cut them off and you can either tell'em or not tell'em. You say, Hey, look, we tried to talk about this. It's, it's not going anywhere. I think it's best that we part ways. I wish you happiness, you want to wish people happiness. To me, having that, that that angst, that that anger that hurt inside, it just weighs you down to me. It's, it's let'em go in peace. and then if you feel like you can't talk to this person for whatever reason, block delete You do not owe them an explanation, right? If people do not respect you and make you feel bad, and you really get the sense that they, they know better, and a lot of us do know better, then you don't owe'em an explanation. You owe it to yourself to protect yourself. I've heard so many. That people tend to be too nice to people, you would give them too many chances. Okay? How many times are you gonna take the brick being thrown at your head before you stop it and just say, enough is enough? Because next time I'm, it might actually strike and then you may not be able to recover. So I know that's probably an extreme example, but I use the extreme examples to really get people's attention. You have to protect yourself emotionally. Because if you're drained, then guess what? You're not gonna have love for the people who really deserve it in your life. The people who really love you and want the best for you and who respect you, you end up taking it out on them because you're angry and hurt, because you can't do anything with this person. So you have all this angst and so small things will trigger you, and then you just jump on somebody else. So it's like this domino effect. You just have to stop that domino effect. And it takes a lot of guts. I'm not saying it's easy. Yeah, it. It takes guts, but you have to realize you're doing it for your benefit and also for the people that you love. Because if not, then what's gonna happen is that the people that you love, they're gonna be like, I'm done with you. Why I, I give you, I give so much to you. I give you love and support and guidance, and I'm there for you. And then this is what I get. I get anger and I get yelling or name calling or whatever it is, whatever it is, and then they're done. And then guess what? You end up alone. No,

Robin: 28:23

you brought up a, a big point in there that I was curious about. You brought up the other people in your life that you do love and that love you. That sounds like you had at least might have one or two, at least healthy ones in there. What do you do to include them or not include them in this process? Are they a big resource for you or not a big

Blanca: 28:44

resource perhaps that is, that's the million dollar. It's easier if when you were going through all of the struggle and all the pain, if you had a stable person, a person who really loved you or cared about you during that time, it's when time is passed and you moved on and your life and you meet new people and you're, you get good vibes and you're like, okay. I'm feeling pretty good. I wanna hang around this person, or you know, I wanna have a friendship or relationship with this person. and then the closer you get with someone, it's natural to start talking and sharing vulnerabilities of your life, right? It's not, we all know that life isn't always sunshine and roses, so there're gonna be dark moments and thunderstorms that we've all experienced in making that decision about whether to share with that person or not, and it's very scary. Because it makes you what vulnerable, which is when you were vulnerable in the past, someone took advantage of it and someone really hurt you. And so now you're in a position, not the same type of hurt now that you had in the past, but to share what are they gonna do with that information? Are they really going to see you? Now as a person you are, are, they're gonna think about everything that you have shared and, and they ruminate on that. Is their opinion of you going to change? What are they gonna do with that information? Are they really gonna keep it to themselves or gonna, are they gonna tell somebody that? It's that level of vulnerability. And what I say is you have to have time to make sure that you are comfortable in telling this person and realize, The minute you open your mouth, no matter how many promises that person makes, it's between me and you. I'm never gonna tell anybody. It's in the vault. It's in the bottom of the ocean, and they tell, you have to be okay with that. You have to be okay with that. Just because you're friends today or you're in a relationship today doesn't mean you will always have that friendship, a relationship, and people can change. So you have to be very careful. But I do think if you find the right people or the right person, it enriches an intimacy in your relationship. And I'm not talking about a romantic intimacy, cuz you can have an intimacy and, and a platonic friendship with somebody when you really get to know each other better. Almost like a, a sibling or a cousin, a familial relationship with somebody, right? Because it helps people understand you. So for anyone going, but why, what's the point? It happened a million years ago. Why do I need to tell somebody now? It depends on where your, your relationship or your friendship is going. Mm-hmm. and if it helps them understand you. For example, with me, I didn't like my kids to spend the night with anybody and it had nothing to do with the parents, cuz sometimes the parents were just like, really cool. But there were only certain parents, I, I felt like really, really comfortable with. And it had, and it had, it was a Blanca thing, right? Based on all the bologna I went through as a kid, as a child, I was like, okay. So when it, when you share, then people understand and they're like, oh, I get it. I understand you. And then they're like, oh, it makes sense. This is why you say, or this is why you do things. So it's really for understanding, but you do have to be selective in who you share private information with

Robin: 32:12

no doubt. And it takes a lot of courage coming from a background where there's no feeling of safety to decide that I'm going to feel safe with someone or at least give it a shot. Again, a lot of people have varying degrees of this desire or willingness to be vulnerable. How do you assess and what are you assessing to when you're looking at someone and making that choice? I can trust this person with this information.

Blanca: 32:43

You look at their behavior over time and how they respect you if they respect you. We always hear about how somebody treats other people. How do they treat other people's confidences? Do they come back and say, oh, yeah, do you know what Charlie just told me? Really? Okay. So to me that's a big red flag because I'm thinking, all right, if you're sharing what Charlie told you, what are you gonna be potentially sharing about what I tell you? Now, having said that, there are certain relationships or friendships that you tell each other every little thing, and you know it's in the vault. Look, these are no hard, fast rules. These are guidelines because people are different. So you just have to use your best judgment. And and then what do they do with other people's confidences? How do they make you feel like if you make a mistake or are you to tell'em something that has happened? It doesn't have to be the, you know, the. The deep, dark secret, but you tell them something. How do they respond to you? Are they understanding and accepting, or are they judgmental or they're looking at you like that? Well, that was a stupid thing for you to do, right? Oh, okay. They're giving you hints of who they are and how they're gonna handle that information, and over time people will definitely show you who they are. You just have to pay attention to it and not dismiss it.

Robin: 34:08

Perfect. I love it. Past patterns of key behaviors are great predictors of future ones all the time.

Blanca: 34:14

Yes. Now I do have an issue with that statement because I don't think it holds true and every single, and I'm not challenging you, I'm just challenging you're saying but I just, past behavior does predict future behavior, but then there's no room for the redemption. There's no room for forgiveness. There's no room for people to change, and not everybody just because you stole, I don't know, 10. When you're in high school or something, does that mean you're always a thief? No. It, in my opinion, it doesn't. People make dumb mistakes. People make stupid mistakes and, and so I don't, because we're not perfect. Mm-hmm. and we're, and we're people and we're valuable and we're sinners that we're gonna make mistakes. But I do think that people. Can change if they really want to. So I, I don't like that saying because it just feels like once you make a mistake, your life is over your career's, over your relationship's, over, you're never gonna find another healthy relationship. You're never gonna get a good job, you're never gonna whatever, because of past mistakes. And that is why I challenge it, because I know plenty of people who've made mistakes or they're in relationships and they acted a certain way in that relationship because of whatever those dynamics were who aren't the same in other relat. Does that

Robin: 35:27

make sense? Oh yeah. Most of the mistakes, as you call'em, I think people are making in life are caused because of unresolved trauma. Mm-hmm. And so as they, as we all work through our, our trauma and challenges, we overcome it, and then we have peace. So it's when you have peace, you're not making these. These goofy things in life happen. So I'm completely on board with 100% We're not the person we were yesterday, but I think to your point, when assessing who you can share with today, it's an indicator. You know, like you said, you, you said red flag. Yeah. It's a red flag. Doesn't mean doesn't, don't proceed, but proceed with an awareness that it may get out

Blanca: 36:12

That's right. Or the flip side, Robin, sometimes you get no indicators from somebody, right? And they turn around and they backs stab you and you're like, oh my gosh, why didn't I see this? Where did this come from? You? You're surprised. You're like, this is so uncharacteristic of this person. Like, how did I miss the sign. So again, all that you and I talk about are, are guide, are guidelines.

Robin: 36:36

Yes. All right. So we made this great shift in college We find someone that we feel start to feel safe with and we're healing what was next.

Blanca: 36:47

Then I went to graduate school. I got married, went to graduate school, and had two adorable children who God blessed me with. And And who I've raised and who I adore. And I know I already said that, but I do. I love my children tremendously. And unfortunately that marriage did not work out. And yeah, so I guess that's all of it in 2.6 seconds.

Robin: 37:13

there was more than that. So we went to grad school. For what?

Blanca: 37:17

Psychology. So I ended up earning a master's in psychology.

Robin: 37:20

And what did you want to do with it?

Blanca: 37:23

That's a, that's a good question. I wanted to help always helping with children. I, the research that I was doing in graduate school had to do with children who had been abused. Right. And I just, I just wanted to stay in, in that, in that field. And I did work for, for, for a few, we few years as a school psychologist. And then after my ex-husband and I had our first child, then I stayed home and I was a stay-at-home mom for like 1,000,001. It seems like forever. And, and I loved it, no, for a very long time. It wasn't drudgery. I mean, it, it was a blessing to be able to be in that position where I could stay home. He wanted for me to stay home. I wanted to stay home. He understood my past. He knew what I had went through and how important it was to both of us. That one of us was taking care of our children and that, and that's what we did.

Robin: 38:18

We have this incredible background full of challenges that forged you into who you became as a, you are a human, human being, expert from your, your life. How'd you get into the area of body language, non-verbal behavior? Oh, this is a

Blanca: 38:38

fun, this is a fun question. So, one day I happened to see a clip of Al Roker interviewing a body language expert and she had released a, a book and I was like, wow, that just seemed intriguing. Cuz I always thought it was for like, you know, the F B I, the cia, you know, law enforcement, but not for everyday people like me. And she was promoting her new book, talking about body language and I was like,

Robin: 39:01

hold on, hold on. Blanca. Yeah. Everyday people like you., Yeah. you just shared one of the most profoundly impactful stories I've ever heard in my entire life of, of li literally having to read people so accurately for safety that mm-hmm. is not every day. So that is, Quadruple PhD in human behavior. so. Please don't short sell yourself on the reps you have compared to someone who goes through a couple classes and a PowerPoint, for the first time in their lives. So

Blanca: 39:45

I got it. I got it. You are anything.

Robin: 39:48

Yeah, you, yeah, you're not every day. You're much more than every day. Anyway, keep going.

Blanca: 39:54

And I started studying with her. I took her classes and, and am mind mentioning who. Oh yeah, I was Janine Driver. Oh, Janine Driver. Yeah. And I and how'd you ended up working? Because she was the one who's being interviewed by Al Roker. And you reached out? I, I reached out. I did, and I started when

Robin: 40:16

I told you to reach out, that took a lot of courage.

Blanca: 40:20

Well, one, she was teaching body L body language classes to the public. And two, I was like, I was just amazed because by, by the time I had seen this clip of her about Roker interviewing her, I had already dealt with all of my trauma and all of my past, and I had already figured out what I was doing as a little girl was reading behavior was was watching. Yes. And I was like, oh my gosh. I wanted to learn. How, how else could I use this? To me, it's more than just trying to figure out if someone's safe or not, or whether you're gonna be hurt. There's a way to, to use body language to connect better with people, to understand, people understand what people are choosing, not to tell you, but they're showing in their behavior. So it's almost like this, this superpower, cuz I, I really do believe it is that, and so I, I studied with her and I worked with her for a period of time. And and then Oh, oh yeah. So there was a period of time during that timeframe that I was up in Washington, DC where Janine is located, and I went to the John Edwards trial. He was being tried in North Carolina. And I was in the overflow courtroom. And so I'll make a very long story short, there happened to be two reporters who were sitting beside me and just in general conversation, you know, I asked, what's your connection to the case? I didn't know that they were reporters. And so they told me, and eventually they asked me, well, who are you and what's your connection? And so I told them, and next thing I know is when I had my first media interview. With the was with Fox and then from there it just exploded. That saying, being at the right place at the right time. Well that's definitely what happened. And then five years after seeing Al Roker interview, Janine was my first appearance on the Today Show. And guess who interviewed me? Wow. Al Roker with Cameron Hall.

Robin: 42:15

So that's really interesting you, you said something in there about how you were at the right place in the right time. Yes. But, but, but someone saw something in you as well. What were they seeing in you at that point in time?

Blanca: 42:34

That's a question for them, because I didn't ask, I didn't say, Hey, what are you seeing in me and why do you wanna interview me? I, I do believe part of the reason was that people were intrigued. Our body language, people wanna understand it more. They wanted for me to read John Edwards body language and they, I think they thought it would be a good story also. This was during jury deliberations. Mm-hmm. And if I'm, if I remember correctly, I think it took the jury more than a week, like nine days or something like that, before they reached a verdict. And while as they're waiting for the jury to, to make a decision, they're looking for a news, a news piece, and they thought it would be a good one to talk about body language. So that's how that, that's how that started.

Robin: 43:19

It's interesting because there's a lot of people, as you already said, that are in the body language. Fbi, law enforcement, all that, but they chose you. I really am interested in what they saw in you cuz they saw something. It wasn't just body language. There's more to it that there's, we, we all give off an energy, we all give off a vibe, but also we have an ability to communicate and forge good, healthy relationships within seconds with people. What can people do with their body language and what are they assessing to see if to someone's a good, healthy relationship for us? People want

Blanca: 43:53

to see that who you really are. So if you're a nice person, you're not faking nice, but you're really nice. And a lot of times people will say the right things, but their body language shows something completely different. Mm-hmm. for example, if I'm talking to you, Robin, and I'm like I'm glad to be here on your podcast. Thanks for having me. See how you're smiling right now. You know exactly what I'm doing. which is, I'm saying the,

Robin: 44:18

I'm saying the right thing, and you shaking your head too.

Blanca: 44:20

right? I'm saying the right things, but my body language is in com. Complete contradiction to that, which means you're not gonna buy it. You're like, yeah, right next. Scratch her off the list. Next guest. And it's that disconnect. It's the incongruency between body language and words. And people are going to believe your body language more than they believe words. Why? Because so many people know how to lie and do lie. Now, not all lies are like the detonators that explode and and ruin everything, but we do know that there are a lot of social lies. White lies. Mm-hmm. And one reason we. social lies is really helps keep people together, right? So do you really need to tell somebody that their pot roast is the worst thing you've ever had in your life, or is there a way to kind of be nicer about that? So we do know that we tell people white lies to help preserve relationships. So no judgment, whether it's right or wrong. I mean, everybody needs to make their own decision, but we do know that people tend to do better with honesty than with deception.

Robin: 45:20

So it's interesting, I'm, I'm kind of drawing this, this, this line right through everything as you've, as you shared. So it's all about peace. Yeah. We can't have peace unless we can resolve our trauma or at least be working on our trauma. And when we have peace, we have congruence of our body language and our thoughts and emotions, which engenders trust, which engenders a great relationship and that's what we're assessing. Others isn't. So that's what you said? Yes. I'm just checking. Yes. So I'm thinking, yes, that's what you were probably, that's what they were probably seeing in you at that point when you're in the courtroom and assessing is, not only did you bring the skills, but here's a person we want to have a good, healthy relationship with. Because you had already worked through it, you would begun your work cuz it's a journey, not a destination, but you were working through. So you had a lot of connon most likely.

Blanca: 46:11

I I would believe so. I, I, I, I definitely would believe so. I mean it. We all struggle with, with that meaning there's sometimes someone will ask you a question you're not sure how to answer. Like earlier in this conversation I said, I'll tell you with what I'm comfortable talking about. So having a healthy boundary isn't being mean. It's protective. Protective of yourself, but it also lets somebody know, okay, I. There's certain things we can talk about and certain things we can't talk about. And what does that do? It helps the other person trust you because you have these boundaries. They know you're gonna level instead of BS. And that's huge.

Robin: 46:51

That's a great point you brought up too, cuz then does it give you also the ability then to assess the response the other person gives?

Blanca: 46:59

Absolutely. And then later on you can come back, whether it's in the same conversation, six months or six years and say, We started a conversation a long time ago about X, Y, or Z and I wasn't, wasn't quite comfortable talking about it, but now I am. Is it something you, you, you'd be willing to listen to?

Robin: 47:17

Awesome. This has been a journey. I gotta tell you. with all your background skills and understanding human behavior and body language, what are a couple things people could take away that you'd recommend? So if we didn't cover'em, that would help people forge those good, healthy relationships in their lives?

Blanca: 47:36

When you're reading somebody's body language, don't presume you know exactly why they're showing a particular body language. Don't, don't make assumptions because a lot of times you might be wrong. It could be for reasons you haven't thought about. We tend to look at other people through our own lens and our own experiences instead of seeing that person for them and through their lens and their experiences. This is where you have, this is where you have healthy conversations and healthy meaning. You ask questions instead of making judgements and assumptions, and criticisms. Say, Hey, you know, I, I, I'm hearing what you're saying, but it makes me wonder if there's something else that you're not saying because of X, Y, or Z. And then the person could be like, yeah, I don't wanna talk about X, Y, or Z right now. And I'm feeling a little uncomfortable cuz I feel like I have to tell you and then that's your opportunity. No, no, no, no, no. That's a misread. This is what I really mean. Or this is what I really want. Or they could say no. It's, it's uncomfortable for me, but I do wanna talk about. So that's why we just have to ask non-leading questions and get questions where someone can really tell you how they're feeling. And if you're gonna start asking people questions with an ulterior motive, they're gonna be able to pick up something in your body language and your tone of voice, your para language, something that's gonna put their own red flag up. And they then, they may not tell you the truth or they just might shut down. So you really need to come from an authentic, honest place. If not, it's just, it's not gonna go well.

Robin: 49:13

A hundred percent. Leave your agenda at the door and

Blanca: 49:16

Absolutely Absolutely. And realize that people don't owe you an explanation about their life. Right. Period. It is a gift that they're giving you to talk about their life. They don't owe it to you. Hundred percent. And I think if, if. If we just showed more kindness and compassion and caring with other people, our world would change. For whatever reason, so many people are on guard waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for someone to mess up, to say something so we can attack. That's not gonna get us anywhere, but a big fight and, and there's no peace in that. There's no peace.

Robin: 49:59

Yeah. There's not a lot of unresolved pain out there, isn't there?

Blanca: 50:03

So that's why I say that's why you have the block function and the delete function. Just do it. Stay away from those people. Absolutely. It's not, it's not worth your piece.

Robin: 50:15

Blanca, what else did I not ask you that I should have asked you? But I was a bad host and forgot

Blanca: 50:21

one. You're a great host and I can't think of anything right now. I think. I think we, we did a pretty deep dive. We did

Robin: 50:30

Blanca, where can people go to find out more about you? If they want to connect with you and take advantage of any of your amazing services in life, go to my

Blanca: 50:37

website, blancacobb.com. You can shoot me an email at blanca@blancacob.com. You can find me on Instagram and Facebook and YouTube, and Twitter, LinkedIn, all at Blanca Cobb,

Robin: 50:50

and it's all in the show notes. Folks. Blanca, I can't thank you enough for coming on and. Being really vulnerable and, and sharing your wisdom and how to move forward in life through trauma cuz everyone's there. So I really appreciate it a lot.

51:07

Sure.

Robin: 51:08

Thank you for tuning into another episode of Forged By Trust. Remember, if you want to forge trust, it's not how you make people feel about you that matters. It's how you make them feel about themselves. If you're interested in more information about how I can help you forge your own trust, building communication, interpersonal strategies, as a speaker, your coach, or as a trusted advisor for you or your organization, please visit my website at www.peopleformula.com. I'm looking forward to sharing my next Forged by Trust episode with you next week when we chat with Thrive Loud podcast host and speakeasy expert Lou Diamond.